Elise & Tim Behind the Scenes at Sea (Part 6)
Ever wonder what it would be like to work on cruise ships? Small cruise ships? For 15 years?
Elise & Tim Lentz have worked on ships big and small as cruise directors, shore excursion managers, tour directors and event managers for over 15 years. The married globetrotters are based in Florida when they’re not aboard ships, mostly small ones these days, running the small ship division for a US-based tour operator and now for their own new company Global Tour Management. Depending on specific assignment(s), they may be on the high seas for a few weeks to a month or more at a time. Their life has been anything but boring and each day offers a new adventure.
Welcome to the sixth in a series of monthly installments from Elise, sharing their story behind the scenes.
Part 6: Good Cruises Gone Bad
By Elise Lentz.
“Elise, I need a letter.” If I had $1 for every time my Hotel Director said that to me during a cruise, I could have retired 10 years ago. What he was referring to was a letter I would compose apologizing for something that didn’t go just right for a guest. On my computer I had an entire folder filled with these letters to cover all kinds of situations.
For example, one such letter may start out: “I’m sorry the wine service at dinner last night was slow and didn’t meet your expectation… Blah Blah Blah.” The Hotel Director would then sign it and typically a plate of chocolate-covered strawberries accompanied the letter to the passenger’s cabin.
This particular journey there was a new letter I had to create. “I’m sorry you found a fly in your salad at lunch today”…. “I’m sorry you found a fly in your glass of wine today”…. “I’m sorry that your nap on the outside deck was interrupted by a swarm of flies today”…. That trip was like a horrible Alfred Hitchcock film. We had the invasion of the flies.
Our itinerary had us sailing off the coast of Spain near the port of Tarragona. That year the region experienced an abundance of rain and the grapes on the vineyards were starting to rot. The locals couldn’t harvest the fruit fast enough and if the wind was just right, you could catch a hint of the musty smell of spoiled grapes. This mixture of moisture and decaying fruit became the perfect breeding ground for flies. Millions of flies and they were everywhere and in everything. You were afraid to open your mouth because as soon as you did…. “I’m sorry a fly flew into your mouth today at lunch… please accept our apology and enjoy these strawberries covered in chocolate and flies.”
So you may ask yourself, what could be worse than a full-blown “epidemic” of flies? The answer is the dreaded intestinal illness and all it takes is “one culprit” to get it all started. I was standing in line at a salad buffet when I witnessed a man struggling to get the salad dressing to flow out of the bottle. I was in shock when he resorted to inserting his finger into the bottle to resolve his dilemma. When I didn’t think it was possible to experience anything more disgusting than that — I was sadly mistaken. Another passenger was at the carving station in a buffet and grabbed a pre-sliced piece of meat with his fingers and placed it on his plate. He then inquired with the chef as to what kind of meat this was. Not liking the answer, he picks up the meat from his plate, with his fingers, and throws it back onto the carving station. For those of you who really know me (and my personality) can probably finish the rest of this story. I just couldn’t let this go without saying something and my commentary went like this: “Excuse me, you just touched that piece of meat with your fingers and now after you proceeded to finger it again, you decide to throw it back onto the carving station. This is how people get sick.” Needless to say, “Mr. Snatch and Grab” picked the meat back up (with his fingers) and put it back on his plate, glared at me and took a seat.
When an illness started to spread onboard, the cleaning process needed to be implemented early and swiftly. Crew would be armed with containers of sanitizing cloths and we would wipe down everything that anyone could have touched. We would see the housekeeping staff decked out in what looked like a white hazmat suit. They were covered head to toe in protective gear with a sprayer filled with chemicals strapped to their back. Every surface on the ship was wiped and sprayed. It looked like something out of a Ghostbusters movie.
Another time, late at night, the swimming pool onboard was drained. Once again Ghostbusters were on the job scrubbing down the empty pool. I felt a sense of dread for the crew involved in the clean-up, but at the same time a childish grin came across my face as I had a flashback of the “Doodie!” scene from the movie CaddyShack. It was about this time that I thought to myself — no one would ever believe these stories if I told them. But I’m here to tell you — you can’t make this stuff up.
And if you don’t believe me – come back next month. We have a man in “tightie whites”performing the worm, a 7-foot drag queen dressed as a mermaid, and crew wearing sunglasses to avoid looking at “twigs and berries” during a nudist cruise.
Click here to read Elise & Tim Behind the Scenes at Sea (Part 1)
Click here to read Elise & Tim Behind the Scenes at Sea (Part 2)
Click here to read Elise & Tim Behind the Scenes at Sea (Part 3)
Click here to read Elise & Tim Behind the Scenes at Sea (Part 4)
Click here to read Elise & Tim Behind the Scenes at Sea (Part 5)
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